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{Godly}

luke·warm.

I don’t usually write about my walk with Jesus on this blog.  I think it’s because I’ve been feeling lukewarm for quite a while now.  But just recently, in addition to feeling lukewarm and inadequate as a verbal follower of Jesus, I’ve been feeling fear.  Fear of my lukewarmness from Revelations 3:16.  Fear of not being ready for a King whose coming back for a spotless bride.  Fear because I have many many spots.  And fear of current events going on in the world which undoubtedly bring us closer to Jesus’ Second Coming — whether we want to believe it or not.  If you are familiar with scripture, you can already see world events aligning with end-time prophecy.

The reason I fear is because I know I’m not ready.  I know if He came last night, I would still be here.

Last night I couldn’t sleep.  Neither could Greg.  I lay in bed as he slipped quietly to the floor and went on his knees.  I asked him, “What’s wrong?”  He said, “I need to find my rest in Him.”  Once he was done praying, he came back to bed and went to sleep.  I was still awake and totally not at peace with the secret state of my heart.  So I quietly got out of bed and went over to the couch, put my headphones on, and listened to a song we sang in church the day before, called “Offering.”  It had been playing in my head since Sunday.

The sun cannot compare to the glory of Your love
There is no shadow in Your Presence
No mortal man would dare to stand before Your throne
Before the Holy One of heaven
It’s only by Your Blood and it’s only through you mercy
Lord I come

I bring an offering of worship to my King
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus may You receive the honor that You’re due
O Lord I bring an offering to You
I bring an offering to You

The baby started crying during this quiet time I was having.  I picked her up and brought her back to the couch.  She stopped crying and quickly went back to sleep.  For several moments I just sat there and watched her as she slept in my arms.  It brought a smile to my face to just watch her.  In those moments I felt God tell me, “This is how I watch you.  This is how much I love you.”  Tears literally rolled down my face, because I know how much I love my daughter; similarly, what made me emotional was knowing that the Holy One of Heaven loves me and watches me, His creation, with great delight — as a father looks over his dear child.  He’s not too busy.  He doesn’t have other things to do.  He’s satisfied just watching me and loving me.  But it’s not a father’s earthly love, but a love so far exceeding than what I know.

I felt my lukewarmness begin to dissipate.

I was reminded of what I read that morning in Exodus 34:6-7, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.  Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.”

His desire is to be compassionate and gracious towards us.  But, He cannot stand lukewarmness [Rev 3:16].  He cannot stand for people who love the things of this world and love Him.  He wants us to choose.  He wants us to choose, because it’s His greatest desire to have our entire heart.  It’s His desire that we go with Him when He comes.  To spend eternity with Him.  I can’t fathom eternity, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Isaiah 30:18, “Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you for the LORD is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him.”

I’m writing all this to say that lukewarmness does not have to be a constant thing even if it feels like it’s going to be.  We’re lukewarm because we choose other things over Him.  Only we know in our own hearts the things that keep us from Him.  I think the reason we become lukewarm is because we lose sight of God in our lives.  We know He’s there, but we lose sight of the fact that we desperately need Him everyday — every hour.  Without Him, there is no future.  The wonderful thing is that He’s always there, trying to get our attention.  He’s always there, watching over us.  He’s there always hoping we’ll regain sight of Him.  But time is running out.  He will only be there for so long.  What will we choose?

awed.

I am completely awed by the power of God.  Today during my quiet time I read Jeremiah 5:22.

“I placed the sand as the boundary for the sea,
   a perpetual barrier that it cannot pass;
though the waves toss, they cannot prevail;
   though they roar, they cannot pass over it.”

It’s so amazing that most of the known and unknown world is covered in water, yet, the seas and oceans cannot overtake land — and that is only because God says it cannot pass over.  If you’ve ever stood before the ocean, you know the overwhelming feeling of awe that I speak of.  It’s amazing that with one word from God, the oceans stop in their tracks.  If He wanted, we could all be consumed, but it’s only because of His great great love for the children of man [Proverbs 8:31] that we are not consumed [Lamentations 3:22].  “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.”  How great is our God.

our baby story.

I decided to document our baby story because I feel like it’s a special one.  The following story involves a wife’s desire to have a baby, a husband’s desire for one too, a medical condition that made it hard, and a great great God who supernaturally granted the desires of His children’s hearts.

***

Back in August of 2008, my endocrinologist diagnosed me with a quite common condition found in women these days.  The condition makes it harder to have children — not impossible — but harder.  At the time, I was really discouraged, but Greg was not.  He believed by faith that nothing is impossible for God, and he encouraged me to do the same.  By faith, God would give us children. 

When given my diagnosis, my brain went straight to, “I’ll never have kids.”  It was something I thought about often.  I didn’t share this with Greg, because I didn’t want him to know I cared so much.  It meant being really vulnerable, and I wasn’t ready to go there yet concerning this womanly desire that dates back to when the world started going round.  It’s one of woman’s deepest longings.   

It remained a fear in my heart as we moved to Illinois for a 10 month internship in campus ministry.  We always said we’d try for our first child during the internship, so that by the time the internship was over, I’d be 9 months pregnant and ready for the next season of our lives.  It’s funny how our plans don’t always work the way we want them to, because 8 months into our internship, I still wasn’t pregnant.  And the thought, “I’m never going to have children”, kept playing over and over in my head.  I continued to keep this fear from Greg.  He believed in faith for our children, but I only believed in what I could see. 

I remember the time when Greg and I were sitting in our small living room — Greg on the couch, and me on the floor — and he said, “I want a baby.”  I nodded my head in agreement, thinking, “ohh, God knows I want one too, babe.”  One thing I really admire about my husband is that he always chooses to pray when he doesn’t know what to do next.  So that’s what we did that very moment.  We began praying.

That same month there was a couple that visited our church.  They came and were a part of our bible study that weekend.  Somehow the topic came up, and they shared how the wife could not conceive because she had an inverted uterus.  Their story was amazing because even though children seemed unlikely for them, they decided to stand on the promises of God, and believe that God was God of the impossible.  All three of their children were at the bible study with them.  I was so moved by their story that I whispered in Greg’s ear, “I want them to pray over us.”  He agreed.  They gladly prayed over us, and I could sense that they believed what they prayed for and who they prayed to. 

A few weeks later, Greg and I went to a conference in northern Illinois.  During one of the breaks, we were sitting in a Starbuck’s, and I don’t know what came over me, but I began telling Greg all my fears.  I’m usually a private person when it comes to sharing my fears, so I was surprised by my openness.  Greg was surprised by my fears because I never shared them, but he never made me feel stupid.  He encouraged me like a husband should encourage and love his wife.  He led me to Psalm 16:5, “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.”  After feeling somewhat comforted, I continued to read my daily readings for that day, and for that day was God’s rhema word to me in Acts 2:39: “For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to Himself.”  Also, in Psalms 6:8-9, “Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.  The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer.”

I stopped in excitement once I read these passages.  I couldn’t believe that God was speaking right to my fear.  It wasn’t a passage I looked for, rather, it was part of my scheduled reading for that day.  I was completely moved by the Word of the Lord.  I felt so uplifted and safe knowing that God heard me and He knew my fears.  That same day at an altar call, our pastor, without knowing our situation, prayed children over us.  As we were kneeling, side by side, at the head of the church, Greg and I looked at each other with surprise because neither of us told him our desire for children — and it was something we talked about just a few hours earlier!

The very next week, at church, our pastor announced that a couple in the church was expecting a baby.  After church that day, a woman in the church came over to us and patted my belly congratulating me on the pregnancy.  She thought we were the couple expecting.  I corrected her and said that it was not us.  She quickly apologized, but then retracted her apology, saying, “No, I think you are pregnant!  Are you sure you aren’t pregnant?”  I shook my head and told her she was mistaken.  Then with a glimmer in her eye, she spoke faith over me, and said that I too would soon be pregnant if I wasn’t already.

A week later, I was sitting in church during a sermon, and I quietly heard the words, “you’re pregnant”, in my head.  I quickly shook those words away thinking it was my mind playing tricks on me, because it tended to do that alot.

A week later, Greg and I were at home on a quiet Saturday morning.  He was making cinnamon pancakes for breakfast, and I was putting the finishing touches on a baby quilt for a friend.  I casually mentioned to him that my menstrual period for that month was late — this being a common occurrence for me because of my medical condition — so it didn’t surprise me that I was late.  He said I should take a pregnancy test.  I disagreed because it was probably like all the other months of being late.  He requested that I just try and see what happens.  I said no.  That morning Greg went to the grocery store.  As soon as he left, I quickly ran to the bathroom, took out my dollar store pregnancy test, and took the test.  The results didn’t look very promising after the first minute.  I knew it — it was just like all the other months.  As I was about to throw the stick away, I noticed that there was a very faint “positive” line.  It was so faint, I was almost sure I was seeing the “positive” strip through the stick.  So I took another test.  The same thing happened.  So I took a third test.  The same thing happened again!  (Hey, these were dollar store tests, so I didn’t feel as bad taking three!). 

When Greg came back from the grocery store, knowing me so well, he asked me if I took the test.  I told him to go to the bathroom and tell me what he thought.  He took one look at the faint lines on all three tests and told me I was pregnant.  We both just looked at each other and smiled.     

***

Many would say, “coincidence.”  I say, God works miracles.  I know how I felt during those many months of desiring and wanting, and not getting.  I know how it felt to not know what to do, and cry out to God because there was nothing I could do.  And then to have supernatural appointments like God speaking to me through his Word or people praying my desires without them even knowing my desires, and lastly, getting pregnant immediately afterwards!  God makes Himself known.  We have to decide whether we believe by faith in Him, or not.  “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  Psalms 34:17-18       

I sit here today, holding my cozy sleeping baby in the crook of my left arm, and thanking Jesus for hearing our prayers, for holding my tears in a bottle, for speaking directly to me through others, for using other people to prophetically speak children over Greg and I, and lastly, for the gift of our Dhara dear.  She sure is a precious soul.  Thank you, Jesus.

“If I am faithless, You remain faithful.  You cannot deny Yourself.”

the switch.

We made the switch at 35 weeks.  Some may think changing care providers (OBGYN/doctor/midwife) and hospitals so late in the pregnancy game can’t be done, or might be too much of a hassle.  To be quite honest, we feel so much more peace right now for doing so. 

See, two things happened.  One — back in September we began taking the Bradley Method childbirth classes.  We just finished our last class yesterday.  Can I say, amazing?  We loved it, not to mention that we had a fabulous teacher whose only concern was that we became informed and educated about the birthing process.  The class really made us more aware of what goes on in a hospital when it comes to birthing a child.  I told Greg that I wish I never knew what I learned during that class (“ignorance is bliss”), because then I could have just given birth at any hospital.  But now that I know, there’s no way I can go back to not knowing.     

And two, at 35 weeks of pregnancy, we finally took the tour of the hospital we would be birthing at.  I really should have thought about taking the tour sooner, but it didn’t occur to me that I would not like a hospital that much.  It probably had something to do with this being the birth of our baby and all, but I was just not feeling the whole vibe going on in the Labor + Delivery ward.  And that’s exactly how it felt — “a ward.”  The nurse seemed right out of a tv show or movie — repeating everything she had memorized about her ward.  I remember being the only one to really ask any questions about their procedures.  Everyone else just followed her. 

I would ask questions about 24-hour rooming in with the baby, or if the father could be in attendance with the baby while the assessments were done in the nursery — only to be told by the nurse that those privileges were not in place yet — but they are working on it for the future.  Well, great, because that brought no comfort to me.  I felt so lost in it all — I didn’t want to just be another person who went through their system.  The following thoughts went through my mind — “how can I change my provider and hospital so late in the pregnancy?”  “Would they even fit me in?”  “Should I even be making a big deal about it — babies are born everyday.”     

Greg encouraged me to give it to God.  When we got home, I spent time in prayer because I knew the only way I could get peace about the situation was by giving it to Jesus.  I laid out my options before Him, and told Him to choose.  In my daily bible reading for that day, I was reading the book of 1 Samuel 17:45-47 — the story of David + Goliath. 

“David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.  This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head.  Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel.  All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

My little issue of health care providers and hospitals is nothing compared to David taking down Goliath, but God really spoke to me that day that no battle is too difficult for the God of Israel.  He thinks no problem too small.  His only desire is that we ask Him and believe that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.  In faith, I prayed and called another midwife practice I had heard great things about.

So at 35 weeks, we switched over to a small midwife practice and hospital in downtown Baltimore.  The midwife practice fit me into their schedule the same day.  My appointment was at 6:45 PM, but due to rain and traffic, I only got there at 7:15 PM.  Kathy Slone, midwife and owner of the practice, was there to meet me, talk to me for an hour about anything and everything, and walk me out afterwards.  (I just love the fact that she looks like Ina May Gaskin!)  The midwives are caring and really into the whole natural process.  The hospital we moved to believes in creating a natural atmosphere for father, mother and child.  I feel so much more at home now.  

There are 2 things I would advise any soon-to-be parents.  One, make sure you are happy and comfortable with your care provider, whether it be a doctor or midwife.  Two, take the hospital or birthing center tour!  And three, just for kicks, take a Bradley class!  It will change your view of having babies!

Deep breath.  Smile.

ready.

“The more I see of all this world, the more I am convinced I’m called to be a stranger to all it’s ways.  So do not hide Your laws from me.  For I know that they are my doorway to eternity.

I want to live a life that’s worthy of Your calling.  Remove the things which hinder me from loving You because I don’t want to regret upon the day I stand before You.  May I be found a pure and spotless bride.

I want to be ready.”